do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
