Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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