Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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