then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
