I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
