I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
