At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
