She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
