I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize