it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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