I have demons in me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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