My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
