When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
