ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
