dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
