Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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