i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
