He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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