There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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