i just wanna soil my oats bro
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
