The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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