Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
