I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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