gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
