I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
