my mouth tastes like poor choices
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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