i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
