Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
