that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
