I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
