whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize