Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
