By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
