Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
