i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
