dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
