it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
