the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
