I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize