U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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