one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize