Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
