I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
be right there i have to get my cape
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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