When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
