btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
