If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
