its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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