Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize