now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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