i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am midnight drunk by noon
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
