i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
