If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
