Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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