i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
