Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
