i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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