He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
