My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
