before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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