I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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