Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
