dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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