walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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