Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
